In a muthafuckin’ VHS, uh, muthafuckin’ canister

(NOTE: The piece-of-shit asshole who wrote this — me — fucked up in his attempt to get this done faster than usual. So the pics are non-clickable. What a stupid fuck. Anyway, you can get close-up pics of the VHS boxes by going here, preferably after reading my delightful family-friendly commentary below)

So I bought some more VHS movies and here they is

I sense one of these pairs is gonna get the shit beat out of them by the other pair, so look out Barbarian Brothers, unless you came to find out that there are other ways to die aside from steroid abuse, because Anthony Edwards and Timothy Dalton will take you to fucking town.
A trio of pretty faces.
Hey guys, remember the 80’s? I saw Blue City once on cable late at night in a hotel room in Mexico when I was a kid. Parents were downstairs, Mom probably watching Dad get drunk and I was upstairs eating room service and watching muthafuckin’ way-harsh Judd Nelson having a mini-Breakfast Club reunion with the basket case herself. You wouldn’t know this by the cover, but Blue City also features the great David Caruso, and you know what that means. It means I get to go YEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!

Link, I’ve never seen. But I like Elisabeth Shue, which I’m sure has a little something to do with her being a good actress and a lot to do with my having a penis. I remember she was on Conan O’Brien once and you can tell she wanted be *on* Conan O’Brien and all I could think was Dude You Should Hit That Shit. Anyway, in between doing a movie about a killer monkey and doing a movie about killer fish, she got nominated for an Oscar.

Women in trouble. The Ladies Club looks interesting because it gives the impression that these ladies got fucked over and are now going chop off a bunch of guilty wangs because of it, but I wouldn’t be surprised if this was one of those bait-and-switch movies with an awesome cover. I got Cassandra because I was long overdue for a new look at terror. Sisters is an Adam Rifkin joint, which is reason enough to give it a look-see, Claudia Christian is reason #2 to give it a look-see, but reason #3 trumps all those other look-see reasons and if you look carefully, you’ll find it on the box.
See, the chick from The Firing Line and the dude from No Dead Heroes would make a great couple, they’re obviously made for each other and share similar interests. Problem is, the chick already has a man, as we can see by the huge Stone Cold Steve Austin-looking motherfucker looming behind her, and the No Dead Heroes dude, well, he has a man too, so it’s not like they could ever get together anyway, because they swing in the same direction. They could still be good friends though, because diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend, it’s gay guys.
Monolith was a flick from some Canadian motherfuckers who produced stuff like Time Runner and some soft-core movie starring Tracy Scoggins, the Beastmaster and Brion James. I don’t remember particularly caring for this one when I saw it back in ’95, but that was probably because I was overhyped by Entertainment Weekly giving this shit a B+. I’m like, No Fuckin’ Way, it’s a EGM flick, they got muthafuckin’ Bill Paxton in this bitch and EW liked the goddamn thing? Fuck yeah, sign me up. Then I saw it. But that was then, this is now, and I’m gonna give it another chance. Also, I think this is when John Hurt started sounding like he had throat cancer. Probably got it from Clive Barker.

I saw Brotherhood of Justice when I was the tender age of 7, nice prime fucking material for a priest, which by the way didn’t happen, unfortunately. I remember I saw it on cable with a couple cousins of mine (as opposed to yours) and we really dug it. Yet now I can’t remember a single thing about it, but that’s probably what happens when your mind is exposed to the fuckin’ minds-eye-blinding spectacle that is Fucking Keanu and Fucking Kiefer Rocking Your Fucking Eyeballs.

Because Ghost Warrior is a Precious Find, ladies and gents. Actually, I know nothing about Ghost Warrior, but it’s a cool cover and it came from Charles Band’s Empire Pictures. When I did the MySpace thing, I had Charles Band as a friend and I always tripped out on the bulletins he sent. It always started with “Dudes!” and I’m like, cut it out Charlie, you’re fuckin’ 50 or 60 years old and you definitely ain’t no surfer. Stop it. But I’m sure it was intern who was posting that shit.

By the way, I wonder if Hauer and Chen enjoy each other’s company — I can name 3 movies that they were in together, and it would really suck if they couldn’t stand each other and had the shit luck of repeatedly getting the same gig. Maybe Hauer hooked up, the way some friends hook other friends up with jobs. I don’t think we’ll see Chen in Hobo with a Shotgun, though, looks like she’s directing movies again.

Nothing to say about this one.
Absolutely nothing to say about it.
Both of them just saw me naked, that’s what that’s all about.
So when I saw the Robo Warriors box, I was like what is this Robot Jox wannabe shit? But Stuart Gordon is credited so I guess this is related somehow or takes place in the same universe. I think the Full Moon flick Robot Wars is also in the same universe. The Time Guardian features Dean Stockwell (here’s to your fuck, Frank) and Carrie Fisher (probably right before she figured it was time to make some money doing some writing for a change). I have no idea what Moonbase is about, but my best guess is that it involves the Moon, a base of some kind, and someone getting owned.
I saw the trailer for The Catcher on another old VHS I had; it looked like good times, or as good times can get when you throw David Heavener and Joe Estevez in the mix. Maniac is not the William Lustig movie with Joe Spinell, this is another one that might not be a better movie, but it’s got a better cast and that’s ultimately what interested me. “Killing Is His Passion. Money Is His Motive.” Story of my life.
D-SHOT (to Brian Hooks): Don’t look, dawg. But you know that Kung Fu muthafucka?
BRIAN HOOKS: You mean David Carradine?
D-SHOT: Keep yo’ muthafuckin’ voice down, nigga. Yeah, *that* fool.
BRIAN HOOKS: What about him?
D-SHOT: He’s pointing a fuckin’ gat straight at your dome, kid.
BRIAN HOOKS: That’s a’ight, I got something for his ass right here if he trips, this fuckin’ nine in my —
E40: Wait a minute — didn’t that muthafucka hang himself to death while jerking off in fishnets?
DAVID CARRADINE: Mr. E40, while I’m a big fan of “Hope I Don’t Go Back”, that statement just cost you the rest of your life. (cocks hammer)
Starring John Candy and a dude who was in Scanners and Bride of Chucky. Directed by Martyn Burke, who went on to make The Pirates of Silicon Valley — but I prefer to remember him as the guy who made Avenging Angelo, the Stallone movie made in that depressing period after Cop Land and before Rocky Balboa, when his movie star seed could find no purchase. I liked Driven, though, so I’m not hating. I know Gina Gershon said she wished she could take Driven off her resume, I know this because she told me over breakfast. OK, that’s not true, I read it somewhere. But yeah, I really liked Driven.

Oh, here’s a Martyn Burke story; my buddy went to a test screening for Avenging Angelo, and at the end, as he was walking out, some dude said to his friend “who directed this movie?” and some other guy standing near the door smiled and proudly said “I did”. So that was probably him.

Oh, and my buddy got the test screening passes from me; I got ’em while waiting in line for the test screening for Death to Smoochy. The guy literally couldn’t give those passes away, and I think it was because he was asking people if they wanted passes to see “a new romantic comedy with Sylvester Stallone”. I took ’em, but couldn’t make it, so I gave ’em to my bud. Anyway, I think the point I’m trying to make is that I had a fantasy of having breakfast with Gina Gershon after a passionate night, and out of nowhere she told me she wishes she could take Driven off her resume. But I really liked Driven, I hope you understand that, people — especially you, Gina.

See, unlike the chick from The Firing Line cover and Ms. Thing from No Dead Heroes, these two are heterosexual and would have no problems getting it on (that guy watching Thunder Warrior is not his man, that’s just Bo Svenson playing as Brian Dennehy) — except for the fact that Ms. Delos is a Cancer (like me!) and prefers the sea, while Thunder Warrior over here, he’s all about the dry, hot desert. It’s always something. People are assholes. Find a middle ground, people!
Soldier’s Revenge is hopefully a sequel to The Deer Hunter, where John Savage straps on a pair of prosthetic legs, grabs some ammo and his grease gun, then heads back to the fuckin’ Nam to get some PAYBACK, dinky dau style!

Detective School Dropouts. Baby don’t sweat it, you’re not cut out to hold a job.
Better forget it, who wants their detective work done by a slob?

All I remember about this movie from my youth is that Paul Bartel directed it, Tim Conway is it, and there’s a scene where they almost kill themselves trying to cook sausage or something in side a car with the windows rolled up(?). And horse racing.
You got Ralph Macchio, Beau Bridges, and yet this is the condition I found the box in at the store. A goddamn shame. This shit should’ve been wrapped in the finest velvet and placed in a carefully handcrafted faberge box carried by a beautiful and armed 21-year-old virgin of the female persuasion.

Ok, that’s it. Goodnight, you.

MA-SHEEN!

Close-up pics of the boxes HEEEEERRRREEEE

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