One character has a Bad Boys II poster on his wall. You hear that? That’s the sound of Michael Bay sucking his own dick.

Trying something new for a change. Whenever I’m too lazy or just can’t bring myself to form a coherent structure (relatively speaking, of course) I’ll just post my random thoughts on the movie, no beginning/middle/end (again, what else is new?) So here’s some random thoughts on Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

On Michael Bay in general

I think Michael Bay is a genuine artist, and it’s opinions like that that probably explain my lack of friends. That and my horrible personality and terrible hygiene. But I’ve always gotten a kick out of Bay’s crazy camera-always-moving style and have much appreciated the vulgar, juvenile and misanthropic tone to his work.

The only time I thought Bay made a misstep was with Pearl Harbor. I’m sure he had his black heart and corrupted soul totally committed into that flick, but it wasn’t the best match of script and director. And while he’s always had this “screw the critics” public attitude, I think deep down inside he probably thought he’d get some props from them with that movie. Instead, that flick got trashed just as bad — if not worse — than his other movies, and since then Bay has been doing a total Fuck You to the critics and naysayers with his flicks, standing on top of a monster truck with two busty coeds at his feet, letting both middle fingers fly and hanging his cock out to flap in the wind with a giant American flag behind him, and behind that, explosions upon explosions — metaphorically speaking, of course.

On the Komedy

There’s a whole sequence involving the main character’s parents helping him move in to his college dorm; among the many moments of “hilarity” is one where his mom ends up eating up a bunch of pot brownies (she thought “green” meant they were environmentally safe) and winds up acting that bullshit movie version of being high. I’m talking about the movie version of marijuana that makes the person act like they’re on a combination of LSD, cocaine and mushrooms. At one point, the mom ends up tackling a student from behind, because I guess that’s what you wanna do when you’re baked. Is it some kind of Hollywood conspiracy to purposely get that kind of shit wrong? Or was I just smoking some weak shit back in the day? I guess it’s just more visually interesting to make shit up like that, rather than go the realism route and have a motherfucker take twenty minutes to take his money out to pay the pizza delivery guy at the door (true story).

There are two Autobots who call themselves the Twins but might as well be called Amos & Andy. For the record, I laughed my ass off at these guys, but it wasn’t because they were funny. I laughed because of how fucking WRONG it all was. These are two robots with bug eyes, huge ears, gold teeth, and white-guys-doing-black-guy-from-the-streets voices. At one point, they tell the main characters “We don’t really do much reading”, and all I could think about was Chris Rock’s bit about how “Books are like kryptonite to a nigga!”. I’m guessing in the next one, they’ll have the Twins munching on metallic watermelon or bionic fried chicken or something.

I really want to hear what someone like Spike Lee thinks about this shit, because watching these two modern day Stepin Fetchits reminded me of that Bamboozled movie he made. Even better, I would’ve loved to have sat next to the actor Tyrese at the premiere just to see if he laughed or scowled, ’cause it’s only going to be one or the other. What makes it feel even more wrong is that they got two white dudes to play the parts. That makes me wonder if the filmmakers even bothered to look for two black actors/comedians to perform or maybe they did and were repeatedly told to go fuck themselves. (NOTE: I’ve since found out after writing this that one of the two voice actors is black. So I guess that makes it all right if you have at least one black guy involved in your minstrel show) Then later on, there’s a scene with a black dude working behind a deli counter and he can hardly talk because of these huge buckteeth sticking out of his mouth. Holy shit.

On Megan Fox

Here’s the requisite part of the blog where I’m supposed to go fucking nuts at how fucking hot she supposedly is, so here I go: OMG! MEGAN FOX *IS* A FOX! GODDAMN I’VE NEVER SEEN SOMEONE SO BEAUTIFUL AND SEXY IN A MOVIE! ANGELINA MOVE OVER (OR BETTER YET JOIN IN, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN *GROWL*) HERE COMES THE HOTNESS TRAIN THAT IS KNOWN AS THE MEGAN FOX EXPRESS!!! I NEVER KNEW MY COCK COULD GET SO HARD UNTIL I LAID MY EYES ON MEGAN FOX!!! Okay, that’s enough. Sure, she’s attractive, but I never got that crazy about her the way others have been. Let me beat you to the punch with your response to what I said: Yeah, that’s because she has a vagina instead of a penis. Don’t get me wrong, you bet your ass I’d hit that. I don’t know, maybe it’s the overhype telling me that I’m supposed to worship her that turns me off, or maybe she’s simply just not my type. Maybe I don’t like them so…I don’t know, uh, dirty. I guess that makes me Barney Coopersmith to the Vinnie Antonellis of the world.

On the IMAX experience

Like The Dark Knight, some of Transformers was shot with IMAX cameras. But with the exception of one Optimus Prime fight scene, all the IMAX moments are just shots that seemed to have been picked at random, and they only serve to distract from the experience, rather than improve it. The parts that I really wanted to see blown up and fill the entire frame, are not, and the parts I couldn’t give a shit about seeing blown up, are. Remember the chase sequence in The Dark Knight where the Joker was trying to get to Harvey Dent in the police van? That entire sequence was in IMAX, from beginning to end. Now imagine if every other shot during that sequence wasn’t blown up to IMAX proportions. One shot IMAX, the next shot normal, the following shot IMAX, the one after that normal, and so on. That’s EXACTLY how the Transformers IMAX scenes play. I’d have preferred that they never shot any of it in IMAX. Just go find the biggest non-IMAX screen around and you’ll be fine.

Overall

It’s sad for me to say this, but this is the first Michael Bay movie where I was bored by the action. None of it engaged me the way his other action scenes had before. This is the second Michael Bay movie I didn’t like. Maybe I’ve finally had my fill of his style in my old age; I recently rewatched The Rock and Armageddon to kind of hype me up for some new Bayhem, and it just wasn’t doing it for me like it did back in the day. When I was a kid, I used to pour gallons of syrup on my pancakes, tons of sugar on my cereal, and I washed down chocolate chip cookies with chocolate milk. Today, just the thought of that makes me sick. Hmm.

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