Plus it’s nice to see Corey Haim working in a movie.

I saw Crank: High Voltage last Friday, and I went ahead and spent the extra coin to watch the evening show, that way I could increase my chances of watching it with a crowd of loud people. Some movies, I actually want to watch with a talkative audience that have no qualms interacting with the screen or making their opinions heard. I only get pissed when I go see a quiet, deliberately paced movie like No Country for Old Men and then have to deal with some fuckin’ asshole behind me giving a running commentary to his wife. I eventually felt that I had no choice, so I turned around and asked him to stop, and he gives me a look like I’M the asshole.

That’s our society, ladies and gentleman, and the day the bombs drop, I will weep. I will weep for my family, and I will weep for my friends. But I will not weep for the douchebags, assholes or cunts. In fact, I will rejoice at the fact that every other piece-of-shit motherfucker like that will vaporize with me. I will at least have that pleasant thought run through my head before the nuclear shockwave blasts the flesh off of my bones.

So, as I was saying, I saw the movie with an awesome audience; mostly late teens and early twenties, and they all looked like the type of person that would use the word “bro” in a non-ironic sorta way. Which I guess makes them more pure at heart. When the title came up and filled the screen, they all cheered and I knew I was in the right place.

High Voltage starts where the last Crank left off; Jason Statham’s character Chev Chelios has just fallen to his death. Then a van filled with Asian gangsters pulls up and literally scoops Chelios off the ground with a shovel, before tossing him in the van and speeding away. We cut to 3 months later and find Chelios alive and resting in a makeshift hospital room inside what appears to be a handjob house. The gangsters have since taken out his indestructible heart and replaced it with an artificial one and right before the surgeons harvest the rest of his organs, Chelios puts a fatal hurting to them and breaks out on a search for his real ticker. Because he accidentally disconnected the outer battery back that charged the rickety strawberry tart inside him, Chev now only has one hour before it goes out for good. In the meantime, he has to conduct electric charges into his body in any way possible to survive.

The first Crank was already over-the-top to begin with, a kind of overly caffeinated homage to the most base and vulgar moments of some R-rated Bruckheimer shit. High Voltage takes it to another level, telling its tale in an even more over-the-top manner and it feels like this time they’ve decided to make the biggest budget Troma movie ever made. The fact that Troma president Lloyd Kaufman has a cameo in this movie only makes it more positive that THAT’S what they were going for.

Now overall, I liked this movie. It’s definitely some kind of masterpiece, but I was left a little bothered by some things. The movie gleefully wallows in bad taste whenever possible, and I have no problem with being politically incorrect. All races, ethnicities and sexualities get made of here and that’s all good, but I swear the Asians get it worse than anyone in this motherfucker. It makes me wonder just how pure the intentions of the motherfuckers behind this movie are.

I mean, the South Park guys have made some fucked up jokes about fucked up shit, but you know there’s a point behind the joke and that Parker and Stone are probably very smart guys. But the Crank guys’ brand of off-color humor seems to be “say racist shit just for the sake of saying it”, you know? It’s like I imagine a couple of frat boys giggling in front of a computer saying “Hey, let’s have him say ‘chink’ and ‘slant-eyed’, that would be fuckin’ awesome, bro!” and then they give each other a high-five and date rape the 17-year old girl currently roofied out on the bed. I remember a few years ago some leader of some Asian group giving Sarah Silverman shit, accusing her of using words like “chink” in her jokes because she could get away with it and that she would never use the word “nigger” because then she’d really be in trouble. I can kinda see his point now, because it’s like the filmmakers here knew that pissing off Asians is preferable to pissing off the brothas.

I’m also reminded of something Artie Lange once said on the Stern show; he said that because of his association with the show, he will occasionally run into some drunk person at a party or function who will tell him something like “Hey, you’ll like this joke, it’s right up your alley” and then proceed to start it with “Two niggers walk into a bar…”. Some motherfuckers just don’t get it, they think just screaming racial profanities is humor enough. They’re coming from a totally different and more disturbing place. If Trey Parker is the Artie Lange at the party, then the filmmakers behind Crank: High Voltage are the drunk guys who Just Don’t Get It.

But whatever, what do I know and why am I getting all humor Nazi all of a sudden? I use words like “faggot” all the time on this beautiful, lovely blog. I guess I don’t get it either and it’s not like anyone else seemed to be bothered during the movie when Chelios grabs an Asian gangster and says “Did someone drop some change? I just heard a chink!”, the teenagers in the audience laughed their asses off and so did the fratboys. And so did I. So forget everything I’ve said, I’m just a dumb wetback.

Anyway, I spent like three or four paragraphs on a minor problem I had with the movie, so let me spend at least one paragraph on everything else I liked. In the age of pussied out action movies, it’s refreshing to watch one that doesn’t give a fuck about pleasing the whole family. I love that in the past year-and-a-half we got hardcore, bloody, severed balls-splattered-to-the-wall action flicks like Rambo, Punisher War Zone, and Crank: High Voltage, helping to take the pain away of witnessing R-rated franchises like Die Hard and Terminator go PG-13. I may have a problem with purposeless racial humor, but I have no problem at all with purposeless graphic violence. Bring THAT shit on, I say.

Severed limbs and heads? I’m good. A dying man trying to push back in his intestines? Cool. A man getting his elbow chopped off? Interesting. A stripper getting shot in her tits, followed by an extreme close-up of the silicone leaking out of them? Holy shit, I’ll give ya points on originality there.

I also loved the music. It’s by Mike Patton from Faith No More and I think it’s his first movie score. Hopefully it’s not his last, because I really dug what he brought to this movie and I’d love to see what else he brings to other movies in the future. It’s a mixture of different styles, but some of my favorite tracks sound something like Ennio Morricone compositions performed by Faith No More with occasional backing vocals by Adam Sandler. No bullshit.

Also, there be titties here.

So if you’re a 13 year old boy or if you just have the sense of humor of a 13 year old boy, you’ll dig this movie. Otherwise, stay away and comfort yourself in the knowledge that you are a sane and mature human being. It’s the rest of us that are fucked.

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