Talking dogs will devour your soul and you will suffer for all eternity trapped in the bowels of a Hellbeast, never to escape

A couple days before Christmas, I took a visit to a dollar movie house. It’s a little further away than my usual haunts, but after doing the math I found that even with the extra gas being spent, I still save a nice chunk of change. I decided to see Clint Eastwood’s film Changeling, with Angelina Jolie. I mean, she’s in Changeling, not that she joined me on the trip. Wouldn’t that be something, though? Me, her and her twenty kids.

The movie starts at 12:40 and I get there at 12:20, but it doesn’t matter because there’s a huge line snaking around the corner, like if today was May 25, 1977 and fuckin’ Star Wars was playing here. I failed to realize that in addition to the usual crowd of seniors and unemployed layabouts such as myself, there’s also all the other people who don’t have school or work because they’re enjoying their Christmas vacation. Also, because it’s Tuesday, movies here are $1 instead of the usual $1.50. Fifty cents can be the difference between life and death.

I make peace with the fact that I will not make Changeling in time, so I check the next showing and that’s 4:00, giving me three hours and forty minutes to kill. I can’t go home and come back later, because I’m too far to do that and I’d seriously be wasting gas then. So I decide to buy a ticket and hang out inside in the theatre, watching whatever the hell else they have in there. It’s only a buck. I figure I’m really paying two bucks for Changeling, which has got to be at least worth that much. I buy one ticket for The Haunting of Molly Hartley, because it started fifteen minutes ago, whereas the others are all halfway through. As I walk toward the auditorium, I realize I have no fucking interest whatsoever in Molly Hartley. None.

As I sit down, there’s some chick in a schoolgirl outfit on-screen and I’m like that’s cool. This is the titular character, which reminds me, since this is PG-13, we won’t be seeing any real titulars so I’m like that’s NOT cool. The dean or principal or whoever welcomes her to this private school, and they get this Goody Two Shoes chick to help walk her around and show her the place on the way to class. GTS takes Molly to class and this guy who would probably be the star of a WB show if this was 1998 is smitten with Miss Molly, who gives him a shy but interested look back. Sure enough, we pan over to this tanned & blonde chick who is giving Molly the stink eye something fierce. So we know what’s up now.

So Molly has made friends with GTS, who it turns out is a devout Christian. She’s also a pretty sweet girl. She’s endearingly dorky, taken to humming and singing church songs while taking quizzes. When some of the other students start to chuckle, she stops and looks embarrassed because she really didn’t know she was doing that so loud. She asks Molly if she’s been saved and accepted JC as her lord and savior, but she’s not pushy about it, more like an open door type of deal. I don’t see her as the type who goes to funerals with signs saying God Hates Fags or any of that other lovely stuff those assholes do. She’s unfortunately a homely looking bird, which is bad enough, but then the filmmakers decide to hammer the point home by dressing her up in the frumpiest Carrie White’s Mother hand-me-downs I’ve ever seen. We get it, she’s REALLY Christian. Because as we all know, there is no such thing as a hot Christian chick who dresses well. Cunts. I’m not religious, but I don’t like that kinda shit happening to anyone, you know? Well, most religions anyway.

Molly seems to have another problem. She has these freakouts at home where she sees fucked up visions of some crazy lady trying to attack her. Turns out this lady is Molly’s mother, who some time ago did try to kill her. Now Mom’s in the nuthouse and Molly & Daddy have moved to another town to do the “starting over” thing. In the meantime, Molly goes to a shrink to talk about her problems. The shrink is played by this chick who played an undercover cop in Reservoir Dogs, except they cut her scene out. I bet you Tarantino tried to work in a gander at her feet, though.

When Molly feels these freakouts coming on at school, she rushes to the ladies room to try to compose herself. That’s where she meets Rebel Grrl, a chick who is such a fucking rebel, her stockings are all torn up. Yeah, that’s sticking it to the Man, maaaaaaannnnn! She wears a loosened tie and her blouse isn’t completely buttoned up either, maaaaaannnn! And she doesn’t wear the required shoes, she wears leather boots, boots that say Fuck You Maaaaaannnn, you can’t tell ME what to wear! Guess what Rebel Grrl was doing in the ladies room? That’s right, she was smoking a cigarette! Fuck your authority, maaaaannnn! I’ll smoke if I want to! You and your fascist rules can suck it, maaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnn!!!!!!

What’s sad is that for all of my mocking, morally and ethically I should agree with her principles completely. I mean, I wrote a blog ranting about how I should be able to eat stuff that’s bad for me if I want to, and I also complained that the city shouldn’t make me or anyone else pay for parking. Sure enough, I also think you should be allowed to smoke and drink at most places too. You know what? It doesn’t feel good to have your libertarian ideals not taken seriously. I didn’t realize that’s what I was doing to her. When I was mocking Rebel Grrl and her way of life….I was in fact also mocking myself and my way of life — and it hurts. If anything, she’s truer to her beliefs than I am. I’m all talk in the end, ultimately bowing down to authority because I don’t want to get hurt. She should be mocking ME. So I take it back, Rebel Grrl. I didn’t mean to hurt you. Rebel Grrl….actually, Rebel Grrl….I….I…

I love you. I don’t care who knows it. I love you, Rebel Grrl. Be with me, please. Please?

Ok, anyway. Rebel Grrl becomes friends with Molly, and WB Boy is buzzing around trying to get to know Miss Molly as well. Stink Eye always comes in afterwards to give Miss Molly her namesake along with the “that’s MY man, bitch” spiel and maybe a shove or two. But that doesn’t keep WB Boy away, who eventually invites her to a party at his mansion. Yup, he’s a rich kid too.

At this point, I left the auditorium and walked around, watching some of the other movies for a couple of minutes. Watched an Eagle Eye chase scene. Did you know that Julianne Moore does the voice of ARIA the killer computer in that movie? Yeah, that’s her.

I stepped out to the main hallway and made a phone call, and just as I finished, a little Asian boy, probably about seven, walked out of the Beverly Hills Chihuahua auditorium with his large popcorn & soda and sat up against the wall. An older Hispanic kid, I’d guess around 14 or 15 came out and followed, then a Black woman looking in her late 30’s came out. They both go up to the Asian boy and start talking to him, something about, “if you didn’t want to go see the movie with us, you should’ve told your mom”. They were being pretty strict with him. I could understand, after all, the ticket was only a buck but that popcorn and soda probably added another seven or eight dollars right there. The boy hems and haws, then eventually asks the Black woman if they could stop the movie. Why, she asks. Because the talking dogs scare him, he responds. She tells them they can’t stop the movie, and the best he could do is not look whenever a talking dog appears. Since the movie is called Beverly Hills Chihuahua, homeboy ain’t seeing shit but the ground for the next ninety minutes while yellowing his Spider-Man underoos. It’s a hard world for little things.

With the exception of Goody Two Shoes, there are no talking dogs in Molly Hartley, so Asian kid would probably have an easier time over here. I sit back down and at this point Molly and Rebel Grrl arrive at WB’s party. All is good until Stink Eye catches WB and Molly dancing. After WB takes off to fix his toilet (really), Stink Eye tries to start a fight with Molly, who keeps asking her to leave her alone. Stink Eye answers by smacking her across the face. Molly responds by turning into Steven Seagal and showing Stink Eye how it looks and feels to now have an arm that bends in both directions. This understandably upsets the other partygoers and Molly runs away.

Molly has another freakout thinking her mom’s out to kill her, but Dad tells her that isn’t possible because he checked with the nuthouse, and at the time she claims to have seen her mom, she was under sedation in her room. So shut up about the mom, he says, then leaves for work. So Molly’s kicking it by herself at home and DUN DUN DUN, Mommy’s back and armed with a knife. Mom explains to her that she and Dad made a deal with a Creepy Lady and some Evil Motherfuckers long ago, because Molly was actually a miscarriage. The deal was that in exchange for bringing Molly back to life, Molly would become a part of the Evil Motherfuckers ultimate plan for World Domination or something on her 18th birthday. And guess what tomorrow is? Molly tries to shoo her away, calling Mom a hallucination, but Mom explains to her that she’s real and that a simpatico nurse let her escape so she can kill the potential Antichrist that is her daughter. Mom asks Molly to allow her to shank the shit out of her, that way not only can the world be saved but Molly’s soul as well. Molly shoves her back, and Mom falls on her knife. Massive fail, Mom.

Dad comes home to find his crazy wife’s bloody body on the floor and he’s all “Whaaa?”. Molly gets on him for not telling her the truth and he’s like “Did you consider the fact that maybe your Mom who escaped from the NUTHOUSE just might be CRAZY?”. But Molly’s like Whatever Dad, and knocks his old ass out.

She runs away and finds GTS at her Victory Outreach hangout and begs her to help save her soul NOW. GTS takes Molly to a baptism pool at an empty church and gives Molly the ol’ Dunk & Save. Molly thanks GTS, thinking it’s all over because she’s given herself over to Christ. GTS apologizes to her, saying that yes Molly’s soul is now saved, but the threat isn’t over. Molly’s like “Gulp. What threat?” and GTS explains that she knows all about her situation, since GTS’s mother happens to be the same simpatico nurse that let Molly’s mom out of the nuthouse. In other words, You Gotta Die, Bitch! Molly gives GTS the same Shove of Death that she gave her Mom, and GTS cracks her head open on the side of the pool and passes out into the water. Molly showing signs of being an Evil Bitch, just leaves GTS there to drown. C’mon, Molly — even Sho’nuff was pulled out of the water after Bruce Leroy knocked his ass out, and Sho’nuff was a fucking prick. What really sucks is that you know GTS most likely died a virgin, so she didn’t even get to experience THAT before leaving this world. But I guess Jesus is her boyfriend now, so it’s all good. Put in a good word for me, GTS.

Molly calls WB to pick her up, which he does, taking her to his parent-less mansion. She explains her deal to WB, who does his best not to stop the car and kick homegirl to the curb with that crazy bullshit. She begs for some kind of help, because she’s on the clock and midnight is coming. They decide the only other person they can call right now is her shrink. They get to the mansion and Molly calls her shrink, who doesn’t answer. I don’t know, maybe she’s not available because it’s like 11:55 at night. She goes to the next room to find WB standing in front of a birthday cake and creepily singing Happy Birthday to her. She’s like “Wait a minute…” and then a bunch of other creepy looking people come out, and one of them drags out Molly’s Dad with them, who looks like he just got the shit beat of him. He apologizes to Molly for not being upfront about her being the potential Antichrist. Then out comes the leader of the pack and it’s none other than her shrink! Tom Cruise was right all along, shrinks aren’t to be trusted! Turns out she’s the same Creepy Lady who made the deal with Mom & Dad back in the day! Whoa! My mind is blown! Not really.

Molly freaks out and cries and all that shit and says she doesn’t want to be the person to bring Evil Motherfuckers to the Promised Land, and Evil Shrink tells her there’s still one way out of the deal — kill the remaining person who signed the contract for her: Daddy. Molly’s Dad is like “It’s okay. You gotta do it” and Molly’s like “Noooooo!” and her Dad is like “Really, it’s okay. Just fuckin’ stab the shit out of me and it’s all good”. All that back & forth going on and Molly doesn’t notice that the clock has started to ring in midnight. She has no time left so she picks up the birthday cake knife and holds it up, ready to bring it down on Daddy. But she stabs herself instead, and Dad’s all like “NOOOOOOOOO”, but it’s okay because she doesn’t die. So she tries again. Nope, still alive. A third time she stabs herself. No dice. It’s too late, she’s the Antichrist now and I guess that makes her immortal like the fuckin’ Highlander.

So Dad ends up in the nuthouse and Molly graduates as valedictorian of her class. Now she’s all creepy and you get the idea from her speech that she’s going to probably pursue politics and world domination. Her shrink is in the audience, all dressed in black because she’s EVIL, smiling and proud of her Hell Spawn. Afterwards Molly, the shrink and some other Evil Men in Black enter a stretched limo, where I assume they’re going to discuss making the future all about 666 over pasta and breadsticks at the Olive Garden. The entire sequence is done to really cheery lame-ass “tonight’s episode of Dawson’s Creek featured music by the following bands” music, which I guess is supposed to be ironic. If you watched the last five minutes of the film without knowing what it was about, you’d think you were watching the happy ending to some made-for-Disney Channel movie starring that girl from Lazy Town. Fade to black.

You know, the first two-thirds of this movie wasn’t so bad. It was pretty decent, well, for having paid $1 to watch it. If I paid full price I would’ve been fucking pissed. Plus, the movie becomes complete fucking garbage beyond all help once everything’s revealed. This movie had potential for a while, then just fucking squandered it. It’s like the cinematic equivalent of me.

So I killed some more time afterwards, spending the remaining forty-five minutes walking around the shopping center, and then I saw Changeling. Changeling was pretty fucking good. The End.

REBEL GRRL, I LOVE YOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUU!!!!!

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